We all know that good communication is the foundation of any strong and healthy relationship. Yet, in a society where most of us are stretched thin, or heavily vested in the demands that arise from work and family, the time to spend in conversation with your partner regarding issues and disagreements seems like a luxury and not a necessity.
Here are 14 rules that you can quickly implement into your relationship to help foster and maintain communication between you and your partner:
1. Timing – plan a special time to talk, especially if it’s about a thorny issue. Make an appointment with the person who lives in the same house and sleeps in the same bed. Keep the appointment.
2. Attitude – bring a happy, cheerful spirit to the meeting and rid yourself of any complaining, grumpy, vengeful or condemnatory demeanor.
3. Resolution – Resolve to do no harm. Ban words that hurt and use words that adorn and encourage. Accentuate the positive
4. Goal – Write down a goal for the communication. What do you want as a result of the conversation? What do you want the outcome to be? Have some goals for yourself that will help guide the session, for example, I am going to lean forward and look her in the eyes; I am going to keep my cool and lower my voice if I feel a tinge of anger.
5. Clarity – communicate with absolute charity. Be clear about what you want to say and ensure that the other person understands clearly.
6. No interruption – make a rule beforehand that neither of you will disturb the other while the other is talking.
7. I don’t want to talk – make an appointment for another time if you started and one person does not want to continue. Agree to stop on one condition – that you book a mutually agreeable time to continue the discussion.
8. Flog the topic to death – leave no relevant unfinished business on the table. Ensure that you are both satisfied and that all that needs to be said was said.
9. No new issue – don’t bring up any other issue that has no direct connection to what you are discussing. Explore only one issue at a time
10. Use “I” not “you”- I feel angry when I see you coming home late, not you make me angry when you come home late. Wherever possible use “I” and not “you.” It promotes compassion and contextualize the issue, making both yourself and the issue that you are experiencing more relatable.
11. Admit your faults and errors- “admitting error clears the score and leaves you better than before.” It’s difficult to ask for forgiveness, but when you do, do it with sincerity and humility. In relationships that is what people look for. Moreover, sincerity and humility are two important cogs in effective communication.
12. Listen more than you talk- Listen attentively, listen opportunistically, listen and ask for clarification, listen and hold back response, listen to the message behind the message.
13. Foster agreement- focus on what you have in common
14. Don’t go on and on. Be succinct and concise especially when tackling a troublesome issue.