In all areas of my life I always try to refrain from criticizing others. Criticism pretty well always provokes ill feelings. The negative emotions triggered by criticism have poisoned many friendships and ruined many marriages. Saying something negative should indeed be a last resort. If at any time you feel you must criticize, resist the urge as valiantly as you can but if after some time you know you have to say something, please bear these points in mind.
1. Put some thought into choosing the location for the meeting that would promote positive feelings. Do just decide to talk about the issue and rush into a conversation. Do your best to create an atmosphere of trust.
2. Always separate the behaviour or act that you are criticizing from the person. Imply that the deed that you highlight is not worthy of a person of their caliber.
3. Be easy on the person’s feelings. Use the occasion to let the person feel esteemed and confident. Highlight the good points that you admire in them.
4. Before you launch your attach, ask permission to point out something. Set aside a time that is convenient to both parties.
5. Choose a private place where the other person can feel safe.
6. Start with positive feedback. For example, “ Kathy, you are always such a reliable person, that not to have shown up without a word made me feel like I was dealing with a different person….”
7. Remember the brain has a bias to pounce on the negative so deemphasize the negative and accentuate the positive. Negative comments are hard to let go and easy to hold on to.
8. Talk on a feeling level. Use the first person I, not you. For example, “I feel a little bit nervous pointing this out to you,” or “it’s painful for me to mention this” Let them see your vulnerability.
9. Criticize the act, praise the person and banish blame and welcome curiosity.
10. Stick to the central issue and describe the behaviour that annoys you. Use descriptive language not judgmental one.
11. Always give a way out. For example, “you might have been tired when you did this, because it’s just not like you. But I feel I should point it out anyway”.
12. Use silence. Read the non verbal cues
13. Welcome feedback – don’t reargue any points. Don’t defend your right to bring up the issue.
14. Listen more than you talk.